June 20, 2024
What happens when you unearth the anger you’ve buried for years?
I used to think I was too “spiritually advanced” to get angry. Anger was something for uncivilized people, like eating at McDonald’s.
In truth, my anger was always there. It was buried deep within me. And the more I ignored it, the more it festered.
Childhood
Growing up, I learned it wasn’t safe for men to express anger. Showing anger got me sent to detention or therapy. So I repressed it and deluded myself into thinking it was gone.
At a recent men’s retreat with David Sutcliffe, I finally faced my anger head-on.
Eleven men and one giant foam pillow sat in a circle. Dave called a man up, handed him a tennis racket, and invited him to slam it into the pillow over and over again. The only rule was to hold nothing back. You went as long as you could, and you made noise.
On my turn, palms sweating and heart pounding, I stepped up. I was nervous to act out in front of strangers.
I took the stance of a samurai, deeply inhaled, and slammed the pillow over and over again like a man possessed. I rhythmically timed each smash to a profanity and a person in my life. I hadn’t cursed that much since my 9th grade obsession with Eminem.
I slipped into a chaotic, frenzied state. At last, I let my inner wild man come to the surface.
I cursed at my parents.
I screamed at my disappointments.
I raged at the universe.
The anger escalated, broiled, and peaked in a FINAL. PRIMAL. YELL!!!
Then, stillness.
I exhaled long and deep. My shoulders slouched. I dropped the racket. I faced out to the group, panting like a dog. I was exhausted but revitalized.
I didn’t recognize the version of me standing there. It was an out-of-body experience. Who was this guy? I was slightly scared of him.
He was assertive, powerful, determined, and embodied. He took up space and shamelessly expressed.
He is me.
The most profound moments in life are when we surprise ourselves. Reconnecting with my sacred anger was powerful, and being witnessed in that moment was even more transformative.
Uncontrolled anger can hurt people, but repressed rage is just as damaging. When I bypass anger, it turns inward and becomes depression, pity, and shame. Or it leaks outward through passive-aggression and resentment.
How I Work With Anger Now
Noticing
The first step is becoming aware of it. After years of suppression, I needed practice to even realize its presence. When someone cuts me off in traffic or doesn’t respond to my text, I stop and acknowledge that anger is present.
Breathing
When I feel anger rising, I take deep, conscious breaths. This keeps me grounded, connected to my anger but not overrun by it.
Sharing With Trusted Friends
In my men’s group or with close friends, I make a point to share anger’s presence and sensations. “I’m angry, and it feels like a huge knot in my stomach and warmth in my throat.”
Martial Arts
Jiu-jitsu lets me embody and energetically clear anger. I can feel it deeply without merging with or suppressing it.
Conclusion
I refuse to stuff my anger down, but I refuse to be consumed by it.
Anger is sacred.
It represents liberation and protection.